FML

OK, so this is obviously not a review, and I haven't been on here for .... a LONG time. I know I have 0 regular readers, so if you are reading this, consider yourself in ... prestigious company. Mostly because there are so few of you out there.

So I went to the DMV today to get my driver's license renewed and to change my address. I'm fairly new to NYC and this was the first time I've ventured to that part of the town. New bus route, new scenery, everything. I basically had no clue where I was going except for the precious little information I've gleaned from Google map.

I get to the bus stop to catch a bus. (Again, first time I'm riding this route. For anonymity purposes, let's call it Route XXX. Yes it's a bit erotic, but hey, what the heck.) There is a XXX bus at the stop , I run to catch it and almost reach the door when it slowly drives off. FML.

I notice there are metrocard machines at this bus stop. This is the first time I've seen these machines at a BUS stop. Wow, this must be a super great important automated stop, or so I think to myself. I already have my own metrocard so I make no use of these machines and do not look at them closely.

I wait a few minutes and another XXX bus approaches the station, followed by a XXX Select+ bus. I have no fracking idea what the difference is between the two, and I realize there are two different signs for XXX and XXX Select+. I figure Select + must be some special bus (it even looks newer and more pimped out), and Google told me to take XXX, so let's not deviate from the plan even though the regular XXX bus looks like a run-down pile of ... crap. This is just in case the XXX Select+ goes a different route or makes different stops.

I hop onto the XXX and unsurprisingly, it is slow as heck. But hey, I wasn't expecting much. The XXX Select+ zooms right past us and disappears far ahead. I curse myself slightly for not having the guts to hop on the clearly faster bus.

I fidget a lot in my seat b/c of course I end up at a seat with a not-great view of the road signs, so I can't tell exactly when to get off. I squint through the dirty and not-so-transparent bus window, trying to catch what road we are passing now and how far I still need to ride. Just as I start to think I missed my stop, I catch a sign outside that is the street I should pass right before I get off. I jump out and go toward the exit and get off the bus uneventfully. So far so good.

2 hours at the DMV go ... pretty smoothly for someone in there alone for the first time. I mean, I get fidgety again b/c I'm not super clear about the procedure, but things go okay and I get a number and wait a long time. Oh well, everyone else has to wait a long time too. I can take it. No missing document, no un-filled out paperwork, I'm all set to go.

But what if they want a photo ID besides my expired license? I instinctively reach for my pocket where I keep my keys and student ID and discover that .... they are not there. WHAT? Where could they be!? Did I lose them on the bus when I was squirming around trying to read road signs? My mind starts running through all the possible scenarios and counting all the keys and other attachments to that keyring, not to mention my student ID that gets me into my building. What do I need to replace? What constitutes a potential danger (i.e. someone else picking up my keys and finding my apartment and ...?) How much will everything cost? FML FML...

I stew in my frantic daze for quite some time. Then a sliver of hope hits me: maybe I just left my keys in the apartment when I left in a hurry. Maybe. I can get into the building with the help of the security guard and get into my apartment if my roommates are nice enough to let me in. It should still work out. Then I'll find my keys lying on my desk somewhere and my troubles would all end. This gives me a little bit of reassurance as they finally call my number.

The DMV charges me $80.50 for renewing a license. Quite a bit more than I expected, as exclaimed by the woman in front of me, but hey, I understand, people all get charged this. I can deal with it.

I leave the DMV. It's already dark out (which is not conducive to someone who is not familiar with the way back home). Luckily, the return trip is the pretty much the same bus in the opposite direction. Right outside the DMV, I see a XXX Select+ bus about to leave the stop. I figure that no matter what special route it runs, it will probably have a stop on the opposite side of the street where I got on a few hours ago, so it should take me home alright. It might be more pricey, but it's dark and cold out and I just want to go home.

I take out my metrocard and hop on. The bus door closes and the bus drives off. There is someone standing right next to the driver, talking to him, blocking my way to the card reader (that's how you pay for your fare). I walk toward the card reader and the talker makes no movement to allow me access to the reader. The bus is already in motion at this point. I look to the driver and he looks at me and doesn't say anything. I get really confused and awkwardly put away my metrocard, thinking maybe this is a free bus? Free transportation for rush hours? Or the driver just doesn't care that I haven't paid? Did I catch a lucky break?

I start cursing myself for not taking the Select+ bus earlier. It would have saved me some money. And it's faster. We blow past some stops and I realize this is an express bus that skips some stops. At the next stop, people get on and none of them swipe their metrocard at the card reader. This convinces me that this is somehow NYC's way of ... showing hospitality? Kindness to weary workers/students who just want to go home? NYC is awesome! All touristy cities should do this b/c it would boost tourism so much! I wonder if this is what socialist Scandinavian countries are like? Free public transportation? All these thoughts really, literally ran through my mind.

Then at the next next stop, an MTA official gets on board and starts saying "receipts." I think to myself that he is talking to himself or the driver. But the passengers around me start digging into their pockets and I realize this is not a free bus. The official is like a conductor asking for tickets and I have just evaded paying proper fare. My heart sinks a little bit from the fact that it is not free like I thought, and the fact that now it'll be a bit humiliating as I make up paying for the fare. I'm quite a law-abiding citizen and I've never done anything like this. I take out my wallet and metrocard, thinking I'll need to pay up. The official says, "Step off the bus" and I again think he is talking to someone else.

He says it again, and I realize he is talking to me. My heart sinks a little bit more because now I have to miss this bus and probably pay for the fare at the fancy machines at the bus stop. His tone sounds soft, a bit resigned, perfunctory, uncomprehending, and ... disappointed. I am disappointed in myself too for thinking this could be a free bus.

Then he leads me off the bus and I start to realize something is wrong. There are other uniformed officials at the stop. A few other people like me get busted too and get led off the bus, and the officials look so stern and the people look so dejected. Come on, making up the fare would just be $2.25, no need to look so gloomy... ?

The official (Officer A) asks for my ID and starts writing on a little pad. I start panicking inside. What is going on? Another official (Officer B) comes by and asks something and I catch the phrase "is she resisting?" and Officer A says "no, not at all." WHAT IS HAPPENING? Am I going to get arrested? For getting on the wrong bus???

It's a bit of a blur from there. I am scared crapless. Please understand that I have never smacked into the law before. Not even a parking ticket. This is made worse by the fact that I had absolutely no clue exactly what I did wrong or what will be done to me. I have no mental preparation at all.

Officer A maybe can tell how confused I am. He says Officer B will explain. Officer B explains that the Select+ buses are express buses where you pay for the fare at the fancy machines BEFORE boarding the bus and keep the receipt. The MTA is reinforcing this by checking for receipts at random stops. I say I'm new in town and didn't know this at all. Officer A interjects a bit impatiently and says this information is posted all over the fancy machines (the fancy machines that I did not bother to examine closely). I must have looked so scared. Officer B looks down at me with ... pity? and says I need to be careful along some streets where the Select+ buses are running. He tells me the Select+ buses have blue lights. He also mentions I could try appealing.

Officer A continues writing and explains to me that basically I'm getting a ticket for not paying the fare. It's like a parking ticket, nothing criminal, and it will not affect employment, parole (? Do I really look like some convicted felon?), or other such records. I will, however, have to pay a fine of $100. He then looks to my ID (which happens to be my expired driver's license) and asks "are you from Upstate?" (since my old address is on there). I say I just moved here. He asks for my cell phone number. I tell him (it is also an out-of-town number). He asks what I do. I say I'm a student. (On the ticket he writes "unemployed" when there is an option available for "student", as I later find out when I examine the ticket more closely. I don't know what he is thinking.) He asks me my weight. I am like, "my WEIGHT?" He is like, "Yeah, height and weight." I tell him, and he finishes writing and tells me how to pay the fine or show up for the hearing and all that (all new to me since I HAVE NOT EVEN HAD A FRACKING PARKING TICKET IN MY FRACKING LIFE). He even underlines a phone number on the back of the ticket that I can "call and pay the fine in $20 installments," since I'm a student and have no money. (Um, HELLO?! I'm a STUDENT. I have NO job. NO money at all. NO income whatsoever. It doesn't matter if you let me pay in 100 installments of $1.) He gives me the ticket and turns to leave, and I ask, "what was that appealing thing the other officer mentioned?" He takes back the ticket and draws an arrow next to some writing on the ticket and says to just follow the procedure.

Hold up, hold up, hold up, a $100 FINE FOR NOT PAYING $2.25 OF BUS FARE? I understand the MTA is trying to crack down on people skipping out on fare, but $100?! (I later find out he gave me the maximum fine he is allowed to give.)

I clearly didn't know what was going on. You could even tell from the officers' voices that they know I was just confused. I was so shocked and scared that I was speechless. Just answered what I was asked and ... well, I thought I was gonna get arrested or something. I would have to say goodbye to the career I'm working on and my family would be shamed and that's the end of my life as I knew it. Please excuse me for being a little non-responsive.

Thinking back, if I just explained everything clearly and appealed to them, maybe I wouldn't have gotten the ticket. Thinking back, maybe there was even a pause before Officer A started writing the ticket. I should have just spoken up. Instead, I shrank like a deflated balloon and maybe that made me appear even more guilty. I feel like Officer B was a bit surprised that Officer A was giving me a ticket despite the fact that I clearly didn't know what I have done. Officer A was more like "eh, she's not talking, I could give her a ticket and she wouldn't fight it, so I might as well just give her one."

In my state of shock, another darned Select+ bus pulls into the station. I take out my metrocard and go toward the fancy machines, thinking I'll need to pay for my fare now and get on this stupid bus and go home and cry. The officers say to me, "no you are okay to get on." Like, "don't worry about it, this one is on us."

FML FML FML. That's probably not enough. FML FML FML FML FML FML!!!!!!

PS: my roommate came to the door when I rang the doorbell and saw me standing outside the door looking VERY dejected. I guess I really did catch a lucky break b/c at least someone was home to open the door for me. I was gonna get a nice little cherry-on-top kind of FML when I saw my keys were not on my desk. After a few seconds of hitting rock-bottom, I found them on my shelf (I never leave my keys on my shelf). This really isn't my day at all. And it's only Jan. 6. Should I be worried that 2012 as a whole is not gonna be my year?